Why is saying the word ‘no’ to people so difficult for us?
There are so many negative connotations attached to saying ‘no’ which makes it such a difficult concept. How many times have we been told that it is ‘selfish’ to put ourselves first, as well as ‘lazy’ to not help others whenever they ask for it. Adding this society’s view and other judgments on saying ‘no’ we also have added to the mix our own psyche, which will interpret other others views and judgments according to our own beliefs, and this is then what will affect our self-worth and self-esteem and many other aspects of mental health. Therefore, we try to say ‘yes’ as much as possible in order to avoid being judged, and to be valued and accepted and in turn we hope to feel confident! So why does this not seem to work?

The impact of not being able to say no’ and the self-neglect involved of always putting others first affects us more than you realise. This effects our self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, independence, it builds a sense of unwarranted guilt, a belief of having no control or power over our needs or decisions, it builds a dependency on others and the need to be liked and needed, and more!

During the therapy process we see this cycle of struggling to say ‘no’ time and time again, and therapy aims to enable clients to break this cycle. This process involves gaining self-awareness to recognise the self-neglect involved, challenging negative thoughts and behaviours and then making changes. This then leads to becoming assertive and putting their own needs and desires in the forefront sometimes too! This process then helps clients to see that there can be a healthy balance between attending to their own needs and to the needs of others where appropriate. Saying ‘no’ at times can actually be empowering, especially when you realise that even if you say no – nothing will fall apart and you can still be liked, and at the same time you can focus on the things that you need to do for yourself and when you then do help others you will not resent it or feel these negative feelings because you will enjoy life more and enjoy doing things for others.

So how do we start this process of changing this difficult concept that we all live by and believe is the best thing to do? Firstly, we need to look at our ‘negative beliefs’ and explore them a little further. We need to look at the assumptions we make about ourselves and others, and the reasons behind them. For example, when you want to say “no” do you then believe you are being selfish and that others will judge you negatively? Do you then expect them to respect or value you?

If this sounds familiar then ask yourself first, is this a ‘projection’ of my own insecurities, where deep down I believe I am not a good person and therefore I assume that others will think that? Or is this that I have seen others being judged and I know it can happen, but I will still take it personally and believe they have the right to judge me and treat me badly?

Either way here, you are trapping yourself and you will end up with no way out other than to say ‘yes’ to others to avoid any negativity! So, you see why we need to challenge and change these thoughts!

Then we need to look at challenging these ‘negative beliefs’ and try to rationalise them so we can open up some other options for us to choose, to enable the possibility of saying ‘no’ and for it not to have a negative effect on your mental health.

So, using the example again I gave before. If you believe you are being selfish for saying ‘no’, then we need to rationalise this belief by looking at the evidence for this. We then need to think about alternative thoughts/beliefs that are more rational, and that leave you feeling less effected by others opinions, and even your own judgments and assumptions. The idea here then is that you start breaking the cycle of negative thinking, and you can start to change your behaviours of always putting others first. Then you can start to feel more self-confident and happier even when you say ‘no’.

So, what is the evidence? Do you have any? What are the ways we can challenge our thoughts? What facts do you have that prove that saying no leads you to not being liked or valued? When you have said ‘no’ in the past has anything happened to suggest this? Did you fall apart and find you could not cope? Ask yourself are you avoiding any confrontation or risk of rejection because that is your own issue so it is feels easier to just say ‘yes’, Are you always saying yes because you feel everyone else is more important than you? Is it for reassurance to feed your low self-worth? Is saying ‘yes’ fulfilling some other need I have within myself for example to fulfil a role I have been give that I always take care of people? Do you have to always be the responsible one? Will you feel you have no purpose if you are not always there to help? Do you feel guilty if you say ‘no’ and if so, what is this guilt really about? Do you maybe need to address something else in your life currently or in the past that is playing a big part in this and is causing your further issues?

So, asking yourself these types of questions will challenge your negative belief and should help you to see where you are being irrational and unfair to yourself.

Then try and think of more rational and encouraging thoughts you could tell yourself for example, if I say ‘no’ it will be because I do not really have the time because I need to get something else done first for myself first, and then when I do say ‘yes’ there will be no self-neglect or resentment for helping out of a sense of duty or fear of rejection. This thought should then leave you feeling calmer and less stressed, and happier and more self-assured. You should also feel empowered and have a greater sense of independence and control over your decisions. Therefore, you should then release how you can find a healthier balance of being kind and available for myself as well as others, which is a much more sustainable way of being.

Antonia Kelly PgD Reg MBACP (Accred) Cert

Telephone: 07956 175 224

December 2018

Well this is why I wanted to start blogging, so that I can reach out and help anyone out there who fits into these categories mentioned, as well as anyone who has already sought help but that wants/needs further understanding of their emotions and struggles.

I also intend to normalise mental health issues. Therefore, I prefer to talk about ‘emotional’ issues and “emotional” help. because everyone has emotions, but the issues arise due to a lack of emotional awareness.

This lack may be due to past issues that have prevented this in some way and caused a fence to emotions. This includes either trauma or negative experiences that would affect any human being.

This lack is also due to the lack of communication between people about how they are feeling and being open and honest about their needs and wants.

Yes, society has come a long way in terms of talking about mental health issues and about the many professional services that are available to help, but there is still many judgments, assumptions and myths including the beliefs that mental illnesses isn’t a ‘real’ thing but just an excuse to be lazy, self-centred or to behave badly. Another myth is that these people are weak and cannot handle life’s struggles and stress, that they won’t ever recover or that everyone gets depressed because life gets more stressful as you get older.

Therefore, there is a lot more work to do to in order to spread awareness and combat these beliefs. This work will also need to include blogging about ‘mental illness’ or the ‘emotional’ struggles that people have and the ‘real’ reasons why.

If you are reading this and it is resonating with you in any way then please believe me that there is support that can be life changing and there are ways of reaching out and connecting with others who will understand your struggles, either people who have the same or similar struggles and those that have overcome their struggles and want to share their wisdom and of course there is the professional help.

So, if this blog has grabbed your attention then please like it and share it and let it all sink in and let’s start to help more people that are struggling ‘emotionally’, to seek the help and understanding they deserve.

Also, please take a look at my other blogs and send me any questions, feedback or even suggestions for further blogs.

Antonia Kelly 

October 2018

Are you feeling depressed, anxious and alone? Well let me tell you, there are many people feeling like this and you are definitely not alone.  You may feel lonely because you have no one to talk to and feel that no one would understand.  You may feel that people will think you are crazy and weird and they will send you to the doctors or just simply ignore you and walk away.

The many fears and thoughts that people have when they have low self esteem, anxiety or depression are of not making friends, relationships, rejection and disappointment. Maybe you will let people down or not be good enough, you may get angry and upset people.  These fears may then be getting in the way of your future, you may not have the confidence to study or get the job that you want, and you may be scared that if you do succeed then you won’t be able to sustain it and you will fail again in some way.

So as you can see, feelings of low self esteem, depression and anxiety can get worse and spiral over time if you do not talk.  I want to stress how you do not need to suffer alone or in silence and that these fears and thoughts are just that and may not happen at all.  You may not have support from your family and friends but there are many different forms of help available from life coaching, mentoring, to talking therapies and counselling and more.

Many charities, doctor surgeries, schools and youth groups to name but a few can help you find what you need.  It doesn’t matter your age, sex, religion, race, or anything else, there is help for all.  Getting in touch with one of these sources could be one of the most important and life changing step you could take.

I now want to talk more about Counselling specifically because this is my area of expertise and will give you the most space and time to unravel all these deep feelings.  In Counselling, no one will judge you and you can be totally honest and yourself.  Most importantly no one will tell you to pull yourself together or what you should and should not do.  The hopes and aims in counselling are that in time you will begin to see yourself in a clearer light, you will understand how you came to be this way and begin to accept yourself, believe in yourself and you will want to change.

Now our anxiety and depression has lessened and you feel confident.  Most importantly you feel you have control over your life and you feel excited about life and ready for any new challenge.  This could be you.  I have seen it with my own eyes! What do you have to lose?  Get some help today and start living your life as you deserve to.

Antonia Kelly PgD Reg MBACP (Accred) Cert

Telephone: 07956 175 224

October 2018

1. It’s ok not to be perfect – stop beating yourself up for being a real person with limitations
2. Remember without limitations there are no strengths
3. Understanding and acceptance is the key to freedom and change
4. We are not responsible for the faults of others
5. Everyone deserves to love and be loved
6. Life is a journey and is about what we learn and not about how much we get right
7. Perfectionism is only a screen that hides life’s cracks, which is where the beauty really lies
8. Everyone can change when given the opportunity and belief
9. When given the space, everyone can grow
10. Stress, anxiety, depression, etc. these are natural feelings. Perception is what can be changed.

Antonia Kelly PgD Reg MBACP (Accred) Cert

Telephone: 07956 175 224

October 2018

During this initial session possible issues or themes may be highlighted, that will then be looked at in more depth during the therapy.

Depending on the issues raised a short family history may be taken, together with any past or any other relevant experiences. This information will be discussed briefly with a view to further exploration during future therapy sessions.

Following the initial session, the therapy begins and provides the client with a confidential space, and an opportunity express emotions, feelings and thoughts.

The client will be encouraged to use free thinking to explore any problems they are experiencing. The aim here is that this will lead to further exploration of any issues, together with providing a framework.

The counsellor will offer warmth, guidance, encouragement, empathy, understanding, feedback, insight and more. Additional support is also provided when needed.

Sometimes keeping a journal or writing notes in-between sessions is encouraged, so clients can continue to experience empowerment and further exploration outside of sessions also.

There is a lot of evidence out there based on how sending ourselves positive messages can help change our perception and overall attitude and wellbeing.  There is evidence for how self-deprecation leads to depression so why wouldn’t this work in reverse?

Why don’t you set yourself a challenge for a few weeks?  Try and catch yourself out every time you think something negative and unhelpful and turn it on its head and think something positive.  If you are struggling, make sure you write down as many positive affirmations about yourself as you can and keep it with you and refer to it.

When you wake up in the morning say out loud that you will do your best to be kind to yourself and be encouraging and not be hard on yourself and put yourself down at every opportunity.  Recognise your effort and strengths.  Changing a habit takes time and discipline but just as you learnt to show yourself negativity. Learn to show yourself positivity and break through the perception you are used to into a whole new world.

Antonia Kelly PgD Reg MBACP (Accred) Cert

Telephone: 07956 175 224

October 2018

* Represent counselling and national and international levels
* Maintain and raise standards of training and practice
* Increase the availability of trained and supervised counsellors
* Provide support for counsellors and those using counselling skills and opportunities for their continual professional development
* Provide the understanding and awareness of counselling throughout society
* Respond to requests for information and advice on matters relating to counselling

Please have a look around my website as you may find the answers to your questions. If not, please feel free to go to the contact page and send an e-mail with any further queries. You will also find the telephone number to call if you wish.

Where are you located?
I work in North West London & surrounding areas.  My counselling rooms are very comfortable and welcoming. I do work outside of North West London but I will ask for a deposit before comfirming our session. The sessions will not be interrupted at any point to ensure privacy and confidentiality.

Please click here to view my locations.

Will I be able to see you straight away?
I will be able to arrange a meeting no longer than a week after initial contact.

What can I expect from the first meeting?
I offer an initial consultation free of charge (North West London) with no obligation thereafter.  I believe it is important that the client and counsellor feel they can work together.  An initial meeting is often enough to discuss a client’s needs and whether we will continue.

What are the costs involved?
A session is on average £60, but concessions may apply, so please contact me to discuss.

How Can Counselling Help Me?
Sometimes we need more than a friend or a family member to listen and be objective. Counselling offers this extra source of support without any feeling of being judged and of course with the highest confidentiality. You will be provided with a space where you can have the courage to face your fears and make the changes that you want.

Please click here for more information on what counselling is and how it can help you.

Antonia,

“Many thanks for all the guidance, patience and support that you brought to each of my counselling sessions. I have learnt so much about myself and now feel equipped to face my future. I now have the confidence to make decisions and understand my emotions. I have my life back only much better”.

Ms X (Client’s privacy has been protected)

“Antonia has an understanding of the professional concepts of counselling, in which each client will be able to address specific issues in complete confidence. Antonia also undergoes specific training to cover issues prevalent in today’s society such as substance misuse and mental health issues”.

Tony – Druglink

Counselling offer’s a secure, consistent and non-judgmental setting, where clients can offload their feelings and experiences. A Counsellor is a fully qualified, skilled and trained professional who offers focused listening and gives undivided attention and help.

This professional Counsellor will offer empathy, warmth, patience, openness, honesty and high levels of confidentiality and sensitivity at all times. They will be skilled and trained also in the theory, knowledge and understanding of how emotions develop and manifest. As a result of this they will therefore have a well developed insight and perception into these emotions.

There are many aims of Counselling and these will also depend on the Counsellor’s background, experience and ethos. Different Counsellor’s may tailor their aims and way of working to each individual client. Generally the overall aims are the same and will include, helping clients to gain self-awareness, a clearer perspective and understanding of their issues, and more clarity of what they wish to change. This will involve exploring clients’ hopes, expectations, fears together with possibly looking into past experiences and also goal setting where necessary.

The overall aim of Counselling is of course to help clients to overcome their issues in order to lead a much more fulfilled life and future.

Counselling is often 1 to 1, for couples or families and is face to face, or now more commonly it may be offered over the telephone, online or on Skype.

What You Can Expect At All Times

• a trained listener
• a non judgmental ethos
• openness and honesty
• knowledge and understanding of how emotions develop and manifest
• insight and perception of feelings
• empathy skills
• high levels of confidentiality and sensitivity

The Top 10 Facts That Counselling Teaches You:

1. It’s ok not to be perfect – stop beating yourself up for being a real person with limitations

2. Remember without limitations there are no strengths

3. Understanding and acceptance is the key to freedom and change

4. We are not responsible for the faults of others

5. Everyone deserves to love and be loved

6. Life is a journey and is about what we learn and not about how much we get right

7. Perfectionism is only a screen that hides life’s cracks, which is where the beauty really lies

8. Everyone can change when given the opportunity and belief

9. When give the space everyone can grow

10. Stress, anxiety, depression, etc. these are natural feelings. Perception is what can be changed.

There are many different settings that Clients can receive Counselling including:

-Private Counsellors in Private Practice

-NHS GP Surgery’s/Hospitals

-Private Surgery’s/Clinics/Hospitals

-Primary/Secondary Schools/Colleges/Universities

-Workplace

-Specialised Agencies

-Specialised Charities

-Religious Organisations

There are certain cases where this is not the case and even though this is only in exceptional circumstances it is my obligation to provide you with a list of these cases …

As a BACP (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy) member I am bound by BACP’s Code of Ethics and Practice and its Complaints Procedure. Regarding confidentiality, the BACP states that counsellors must offer the highest possible level of confidentiality in order to respect the client’s privacy and create the trust necessary for counselling. However, in exceptional circumstances, where there are good grounds for believing that serious harm may occur to the client (i.e. you) or to other people (including children), and/or where there are good grounds for believing that the client is no longer willing or able to take responsibility for his/her actions, confidentiality may be broken. I would attempt to discuss this fully with the client first.

Although this service is confidential, I cannot give a 100% guarantee of internet and telephone security by the operating companies or other users; although every effort will be made to ensure total confidentiality.

Privacy
Your privacy is important to us. To better protect your privacy we provide this notice explaining our online information practices and the choices you can make about the way your information is collected and used. To make this notice easy to find, we make it available on our homepage and at every point where personally identifiable information may be requested.

Collection of Personal Information
When visiting Professional Counselling, the IP address used to access the site will be logged along with the dates and times of access. This information is purely used to analyze trends, administer the site, track users movement and gather broad demographic information for internal use. Most importantly, any recorded IP addresses are not linked to personally identifiable information.

Links to third party Websites
We have included links on this site for your use and reference. We are not responsible for the privacy policies on these websites. You should be aware that the privacy policies of these sites may differ from our own.

Changes to this Statement
The contents of this statement may be altered at any time, at our discretion.

If you have any questions regarding the privacy policy of Professional Counselling then you may contact us at contact@professionalcounselling.org

BACP – British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy

Find A Therapist In Your Area If I Don’t Cover It

The NHS Counselling Overview

My Counselling Directory Profile

What To Expect From Counselling

Alternatively, feel free to give me a call on 07956 175 224.

I understand that sometimes making the decision to seek help and reach out to a therapist may be a daunting prospect.  This is why I feel it is important to say that I never expect too much from clients and the process will at all times involve high level confidentiality and consistent reviewing to see whether things are going in the right direction.

If you feel you would like to enquire about my services, then please feel free to make contact and enquiries with no obligations or commitment required, and we can discuss any questions or concerns that you may have.

I look forward to hearing from you and hope to make a positive difference to your life and future.

Have you been feeling anxious or depressed and want to gain some control over your thoughts and behaviours? Find it difficult to feel motivated and to know which direction to take in order to make changes happen? Are Low self-esteem and confidence issues holding you back from reaching your full potential?  Do negative or traumatic past experiences effect your emotions, behaviours and decision making? If any or all these things resonate with you, then therapy can give you the tools and self-awareness that you need to start to repair these issues.

With over 10 years of working in Private practice as well as working for the NHS in various settings, I have had the privilege of listening to many clients struggles, have offered my understanding of mental health issues and my skills.  I have helped clients to cope and manage, and have empowered clients to make changes.  As a result, I have witnessed the positive effects this has had on their lives, and have watched them grow, change and achieve their goals.

As a therapist I am highly trained and skilled in listening without judgment and have the knowledge and understanding of how emotions develop and manifest.  I am therefore able to assess clients for specific symptoms and then plan of action following specific therapy approaches that would be appropriate for the individual needs.

The therapeutic approaches I offer include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Ethos:
The key to change is working with negative thoughts that are causing distorted perceptions of one’s self, by modifying thoughts and beliefs.  This process may involve looking at the evidence for thoughts and therefore raising awareness of the irrationality of beliefs.  This is particularly helpful for providing tools and techniques for managing anxiety, depression and obsessive behaviours.

Solution Focused Therapy (SFBT) ethos;
This approach is based on building solutions rather than problem-solving.  This approach involves exploring what it is that you want and identifying ways of achieving them.  This approach is about building inner confidence and self-belief, which will enable you to access your inner resources and future hopes.   This will give you the tools you need to take charge of your life.   This approach will acknowledge present problems and possible past issues that are relevant, but it predominantly focuses on the changes you want to make and how you can make them happen.

Person-Centred Counselling Ethos:
Every individual has the potential for growth when shown a non-judgmental respect, acceptance, empathy and congruence.  This process may involve addressing and changing beliefs placed upon us from external influences.

Psychotherapy Ethos:
Past unresolved feelings or experiences may be affecting the present.   Understanding the past helps to raise awareness, gain a clearer perspective and can lead to change.  This process may involve exploring the past and making links to realise the effects on the present.

Transactional Analysis ethos:
This approach is about building your self-awareness and acknowledging that we are not always ‘conscious’ and aware of our behaviours and how we are driven by our emotions.  I think the term ‘going on autopilot’ explains this well, as this term is about going through the motions and being repetitive with emotions and behaviours.  Evidence suggests this ‘autopilot’ way of being is our subconscious mind that is driving us, and not necessarily our more balanced and rational conscious mind.  This approach believes that We interact differently with different people for i.e., we are often different with our parents, children, peers or boss at work.  This approach specifically looks out the different parts of ourselves that communicate in different ways, which are the Critical parent, Rational adult and Rebellious child.  The idea here is that once we are more aware of these parts of ourselves we can start to understandable and address our unhelpful emotions and behaviours, and lead a more balanced life through our emotions and behaviours and can reduce our negative symptoms.

Get in Contact:

I understand that sometimes making the decision to seek help and reach out to a therapist may be a daunting prospect.  This is why I feel it is important to say that I never expect too much from clients and the process will at all times involve high level confidentiality and consistent reviewing to see whether things are going in the right direction.

If you feel you would like to enquire about my services, then please feel free to make contact and enquiries with no obligations or commitment required, and we can discuss any questions or concerns that you may have.

I look forward to hearing from you and hope to make a positive difference to your life and future.